Wednesday, January 20, 2010


This post is in no way, shape, or form organized. It is just my little brain thoughts written down.

How do you deal with the loss of a child? It's not even my child. He is safe and healthy and beautiful. And I feel guilty. That may be the Catholic in me I admit. Someone lost their baby. Their hope and dreams and love and life and now they have to go on. How do you cope? How do you survive? I'm not exactly sure.

I am so thankful that it wasn't my baby. And now a week later I'm still holding him close. And tight. And crying without warning. Not always about baby either. Stuff like the uncertainty of our passports. Or my husband's grumpiness at what is going on for them. It all sends me into small little break downs. My friends are having marriage issues. and kid issues. and life issues. And here is me. With my baby and my beast and my husband that would give me the world if he could. And I'm still the one in tears.

I get up every morning. And I go to my meetings. and my training. and my vet appointments. And I try not to cry in public because that just makes me look crazy. Although if you know know that I am crazy.

Ok my little baby blessing is screaming from the other room. And Walker is attcking the chair because he lost his bone underneath. And my husband is off playing in the snow. And I'm here. Just breathing. And learning how to lose and love and live. It's certainly not easy. Why can't there be a manual?


  1. I second the hugs. I don't have answers, not even sure you're looking for them as much as you're letting off steam, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. God embraces, and so do all those who love you...even from far off. Hope you feel our hugs.

  2. Sorry you're having such a hard time. I too just learned of a friend that lost a baby. Why do I have to be the fertile one surounded by friends that can't have the same as me? I wish we lived closer. I think we'd get along great. Thinking about you.

  3. Well. I don't know if I have any answers. I lost my son in 2001. I cried for months nonstop. I held my three surviving children at every opportunity. I didn't speak to anyone very much at all. I'm still not over it. It never gets easier. I'm sorry for your friends loss. Hugs.