Sunday, September 20, 2009

The toilet...

I have spent quite a bit of time in the bathroom of late, happily seated upon my little white German throne. If you've never been to Germany (Possibly most of Europe) I will explain to you the difference in toilet styles. In the US we have one piece "chair" type toilets which we could carry around the house and use as regular free-standing seating if we so desired. Or if you're from the boondocks like me, they can be used as free-standing flower pots in your garden. Put it between the statue of the Virgin Mary in a half buried bath tub and the rickety dining chairs covered with half dead vines. But I digress. Back to the pisser. US toilets have handles and if it doesn't flush you take off the top of the tank and look inside and see what part of it is having issues. Don't lie you've looked inside the tank if for no other reason than plain curiosity.

German toilets are not this way. The "seat" protrudes from the wall with no attachment to the floor. This makes anyone over the weight of 100 lbs slightly worried that it will collapse in the middle of your business. It may just fall off the wall. This fear is not lessened in the middle of the night when you are 9 months pregnant. I regularly convince myself that I'm about to collapse our toilet. There is also no easy access type tank or "knob" to flush. I assume the tank is hidden somewhere in the wall. I don't know for sure though since I have yet to accidently rip the seat from the wall during my frequent visits and have therefore never seen the inner workings of a German toilet. Sad but true. So no tank to hide things in. No knob to flush with. Instead a button. To push. And it flushes. Very neat. In some cases you have TWO buttons. One for little messes and one for hardcore business.

As I said....I've recently spent a lot of time in the bathroom. What I really wanted to talk about was the pain in the arse that going to the bathroom pregnant is. Did you ever play sports in high school? I did. In swimming, peeing was not so tricky, pull your suit to the side, urinate, wipe, replace, run. Didn't know it was that easy didja? Well seriously stripping off a wet 2 size too small bathing suit in a hurry is impossible so we girls come up with short cuts. In Soccer it wasn't too bad either. Pretty much a normal occurance. Cheerleading was a pain. Skirt up. Bloomers down. Body suit (think adult onsie) up. Panties down. Go! Now ut yourself back together in the correct order and you're done.

Peeing while pregnant is the worst of everything. Your shirts are down to your knees to keep everything covered. Your pants are up to your chin to keep everything covered. You are generally sweating to death so everything is damp and unwilling to move with ease in the correct direction. And sadly since you have a little person sitting. poking, or hiccuping on or around your bladder you have another problem. As soon as you get your pants back around your neck and your shirt pulled back down over your sweaty have to pee...AGAIN! So say what you will, I've decided that to set my mind at ease, I'm going with comfort.

Muumuus. Or toga's...made out of the sheets from our bed. That's my answer. I figure if I can convince my husband that it's sexy when I waddle, how hard could it be to convince him that wrapping myself in a sheet and wandering around the house is at least equally as sexy.

So while you all enjoy your day, I will be here in Germany perched precariously upon the potty protruding from our wall, praying that it will not plunge to the floor under my petite pregnant person while I pee and then package myself back in to my perfectly passable paraphernalia.

I don't know why the alliteration in that final paragraph...seemed like the thing to do at the time. Ok I need to pee!


  1. Bwahahahahaha, sorry but that is just too funny.
    BTW yes the tank is in the wall. I have pictures of getting a toilet installed somewhere when we remodeled our bathroom a while back. At our new house, we have the "normal" toilets you guys in the States have aswell. But I love the newer ones that are attached to the wall. So much easier to clean. And don't worry, the things hold more than 450 lbs. How do I know? I asked the guy that installed ours. The seat itself would break before the wall breaks lol

    And I totally think you could pull the Toga look of!!!

  2. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! Peeing(and other buisness) is such a pain =) But, as I've said're in the home stretch. I am in the countdown mode-10 days!! or less

  3. It's been more than a week. You need to check in! Have you had your baby?